Back to Where it Was

So...I guess I lost my skill to write...I miss the way I gave form to words, but now it seems I lost it...And it wans't the only thing I lost...I lost myself, again.

I keep making mistakes, keep trying to please everyone and keeping letting myself down, over and over again.

I got back to the dark place that I was so afraid of going back once.

Again, love didn't brought anything good, on the contrary, it only makes everything worst.

I let myself be fooled, I got blinded by the amazing person he is, not only beautiful on the outside, but perfect on the inside, loyal, honest, smart, funny...I told myself that if he wanted, he would have everything, I would open myslef, my demons, I would take care of him as no one else did until today, I told myself that if he wanted, he would have all my love...

But again, I have a sign saying "DAMAGED, keep out" pointing at me.

So I'll be back in my well, my grave, my hole, or whatever you want to call it, I'll be back to my dark little corner, the promiss this time is for real, no love, no falling for anyone ever again, I won't let anyone get any closer because they might get hurt.

Whoever said that it's not our fault to have feelings, to allow ourselves to feel, is just wrong. This is why I need my control, this is why I was so afraid of letting myself go. Well, I've tried it and it didn't worked...again!

I'm just exhausted of being me, always trying to have the greatest of intentions and ending up screwing everything over and over and over again.

My books will be my best friends again, my music, my dark corner, my stupid fairy tales and my idiotic fantasies...maybe that way I'll be able to write something good again...
My shell seems pretty cozy at the moment, darkness feels like home. I'm alone, I always have been and I always will be, and it's stupid and silly of me trying to convince myself the other way arround, when I know that I'm meant to be alone.

Everything will be back to where it was.

Butterflies

You give me butterflies in my stomach when you kiss my cheek the way you do...  *.*

A New Begining

She ran into the woods. Ran as she had never had ran in her life before and got to the heart of the forest, in a little meadow where the sun was kissing the the tiny wild flowers.

Gasping, she took her shoes off and with her bare feet felt the dead leaves in her skin.

She found a huge, solid tree and sat with her back against it, calming her breath down, trying to make her heart stop from jumping so much.

A bit more calm and relaxed, she took a deep breath and tasted the air around her, so sweet, so pure and clean. In the middle of the Summer, she could afford to spend large hours away from everything, from everyone.

With her eyes closed for a moment, she focused on the birds singing, the light noise of the leaves in the trees, talking to each other, almost like a thousand whispers, soft, gentle and friendly.

When she opened her eyes, she stared at all of that beauty around her, and focused on the colours. "Forget the names of the things, the names of the colours, the names of the shapes...Enjoy it without any limitation or made ideas, without any bounderies!", she told herself. What she saw, from the minute she could disconect herself from all of these ideas, was pure magic. The sounds became clearer, the colours became more bright, the air sweeter and she felt as light as she had never felt before.

Life would be so much easier if she could just enjoy things like the ones she had in front of her in that precise moment, but again, her life was ugly, with no colour...her past was a huge black sopt, full of loses, regreats, disapointment...all she wanted was a tiny little bit of happines, like that moment.

Alone, with no dark thoughts, no broken heart, no sorrow nor pain, she allowed herself a secret thought that she never allowed herself to have often...him. That was the perfect place to do it. A place where light is everything, where the the air itself is music...And so, she allowed herself to think about his beautiful smile, his perfect body kissed by the sun, tall and strong as the tree she was sat against, his cozy neck where she could see the vein pulsing sometimes, his big safe hands...The kind eyes of a small prince with a heavy soul but somehow forgiveness and so much kindness in his heart...The soft hair, touched by the most pure of silks known by Men...

She stayed like that for a moment, dreaming at sunlight, but she shutted down the dream as quickly as it came. She knew she couldn't have him, it was a foolish, childish dream. So she said goodbye to that vision, shutted down his laughter, his voice from her memories. Got everything about him gathered again and putted it again where it was in the begining, it the corner of her mind that she locks with a thousand keys, the tiny little space that's growing more and more every day that it goes by.

In that magical place, she made a promiss to herself, a promiss that this time, she would kept with all of her heart and strength: "I will burry EVERYTHING about my past, forget who I was, the monster I became and I will look to the futer with new eyes, I'll allow myself to be happy, whatever life has to offer me, I will have it, open hearted and with open arms."

She didn't knew it by then, but this promiss would change her life forever.

Jogo Sujo

Há quatro coisas que eu não sou: estúpida, parva, inocente e ingénua e tu tomaste-me como se eu fosse as quatro, como se eu fosse uma rapariga tonta qualquer que não percebe os esquemas que inventas. Pois bem, saiu-te o tiro pela culatra, calhou mal ter sido eu quem tentaste manipular, mas avisei-te desde o início que há duas coisas que eu nunca faço: perdoar e esquecer.

Nunca pensaste que eu fosse tão perspicaz ao ponto de te furar os planos quando o teu joguinho ainda estava tão no início, pois não? Correu-te mal, eu avisei-te desde o início que quem joga sujo comigo acaba sempre por perder. Tentaste aproximar-te como sendo alguém que me compreendia, como alguém tão adulto que seria incapaz de me magoar, mas revelaste ser aquilo que eu mais detesto, orgulhoso e principalmente arrogante, embora não tenhas feito grande moça. Meter veneno, comigo, não cola, para minha sorte e para teu azar, sei pensar por mim e não caí no teu jogo de difamares quem eu gosto e quem eu quero ter próximo de mim, e pelos vistos, também não caíram quando tentaste puxares a bola para o teu lado. Pensaste mesmo que eu ia ficar mal ao ponto de ir chorar no teu ombro e que era assim que me conquistavas? Enganas-te! Não choro no ombro de ninguém e agora, muito menos, irei chorar no teu.

Querias conquistar a minha amizade e o meu interesse? Com a atitude que tiveste, com o esquema que montaste, não conseguiste mais do que o meu desprezo e acredita que o meu respeito por ti diminui a cada dia que passa, com as atitudes que tens perante as pessoas espectaculares que nos rodeiam, pessoas que te consideram um amigo de verdade.

Cresce e faz-te um homem de uma vez! Ando a ser "seca" contigo? Ando a desprezar-te e não compreendes porquê? Pensa no que tens feito até agora, lembra-te do que te disse num início algo longínquo "Quem me pisa os calos, está tramado!"

Jogaste sujo e agora só colhes o que plantaste.

No dia em que perceberes que arrogância, orgulho e manipulação não combinam com aquilo que mostras no início e muito menos com a minha maneira de ser, possa ser que deixes de magoar e de tratar mal as pessoas que estão à tua volta.

Mais uma coisa: se queres jogar, joga como um homem e com honestidade.

Espera...

Estou aqui quando quiseres falar...mais não digo e acredita que mais não faço.

Reaprender a Sorrir

É tão bom poder voltar a sorrir outra vez!

Há simples momentos que nos tiram o peso de cima dos ombros com uma facilidade extraordinária!

Já me tinha esquecido do quão bom é sentir-me tão fantasticamente leve!

A todos aqueles que contribuíram para que eu pudesse andar novamente com a cabeça erguida e com orgulho, o meu sincero Obrigada, do fundo do meu coração, vocês sabem quem são!

Dark Blood Red and Black

She dreamed in shades of dark blood red and black

Like silk floating in pure dark waters.

A room full of nothing,

An echo of a raven somewhere under the brightness of the Moon.

A scream of release and pure madness...

Pure, dark, morbid, full and raw

An empty, hollowed mind, gets filled with thoughts about night, death and blood

A war takes place inside her, a hidden door behind her eyes opens, only to let go all the love inside her, all the pain and all the memories of those who were left behind.

The dagger feels cold, but it's perfect as the snow, stainned for all the blood red and black shades that she's dreaming about.

Ghosts and wolves never leave her side, guiding her, protecting her patiently...

Blinded by the Moon, bare feet across the graveyard, black dress floating arround her, beasts chasing her quietly.

Danger never scared her, safty and warm yes, but not danger, not pain and definetly not darkness...

It's quiet in the darkness, cold, but safe, lonely, where madness can be free and there's no one there to judge it.

Dark blood red and black...the colours of her path.

Today

So...today I feel exhausted, at the edge of my emotions and control.

I thought that everything was going on the right way, but then, there's a day like today's...

I just feel as empty as in the past, as well as tired, disapointed, hurted, wanting to cry my lungs out and to go back to that dark, dark place that once I knew so well...

Darkness, my old friend...

Death, my old confident...

Why do these emotions keep standing in the way? This anger, this...loneliness...

I want to sleep until this burden gets off my chest, until I'm nothing but clean and pure emotions, no evil, no sorrow nor sadness...no "me", not this "me"!

I keep talking too much, caring too much about people who already moved on and who doesn't care anymore...So why does it keep hurting, and hurting, and hurting, so much that I can't see peace ahead?!

It feels like drowning, like being consumed by flames, like falling from an edge that's been there for too long, so long that I didn't even noiticed I'd fell already...Death would be much easier than this, like a good, old, peacefull friend, that we can talk for ages, who's patient enough to not interrupt our speach and gives us the right answeres to our idiot questions without judging...

I was afraid of dying once...no, twice...maybe three times...and that's because I was stupid enough to try to bring death before it's time, I was young and foolish...

But now...I feel that there's no one out there for me, love is just like the opposite of everything I've hoped for, it only causes me pain and sorrow, and then, there I am again, at that dark corner, with my books, my music, with my solitude and worst of all...my thoughts...

But now, if death would come, free willingly, I would not run, I wouldn't be afraid and I would even thank her and asked her to leave me next to the one that teached me how to live...

Earth is hell...living is lonely, love brings nothing but sadness...

Idiot

I'm an idiot...I keep believing that there's someone out there meant for me, when in fact, I felt all along that I meant to be alone!

I promissed myself that I woundn't fall in love again because I already know the result and this time, well, it wasn't different...

Everything about him was simply amazing: the smile, the perfume, the body, his sense of humor, his presence...I wanted more, I wanted to be closer, to just hold him, kiss him and telling him sweet things on his ear.

I kept ignoring the signs, so I ended up loosing what I never even had the chance to have...

Oh but screw it, this was the last time this happened. This was the last time I showed my feelings, from this day forward, I'll keep them locked, well locked.

How could I be so stupid to the point of believing in love again when all love brought me, so far, was disapointment and pain...so much pain...

I'm just done, I feel numb right now, but I'm done with love and it's fantasies, it's illusions, with it overall...

I'm just a total idiot.

Filha do Mar

Acordei estendida na Areia, vestida de Algas e Conchas. O Sol ainda estava baixo, mas queimava já a pele que fora beijada pelo Sal.

Fui entregue pelo Mar, estendida nos braços das Ondas, de cabelos emaranhados e de pele despida pela Lua.

Não entendo o motivo de vinda a Terra. Aqui fora falta-me o ar...

No Mar tudo é mais denso, mais cheio, mais vital...Aqui em cima, tudo é mais...menos...

Tenho saudades dos peixes, das criaturas marinhas cheias de vida e sorrisos, dos murmúrios do meu Mar, que me embalava de noite quando a Lua ia alta e as Estrelas contavam histórias de encantar.

A Areia é áspera, rude, o Sol demasiado violento para olhos dados pelo Mar e pela Chuva. Demasiado tempo cá em cima irá secar-me os olhos, ressequir-me a pele e apagar os murmúrios do pai Mar. As Estrelas deixarão de contar histórias entre sorrisos desmesurados, e a Lua não terá vida nem dançará para entreter as criaturas.

Quem prefere viver aqui em cima, quando lá em baixo tudo é paz, harmonia e silêncios repletos de amor? Uma catedral infinita, onde cidades se perderam, onde Homens trocaram a vida mundana pela calma oferecida pelo Mar e onde o Ar é mais puro, mais limpo e mais doce.

Sente-se tal leveza que é impossível deixar de dançar com as algas todas as noites.

É no Mar gelado, sob o olhar atento da Lua e as Estrelas como testemunhas, que os amantes preferem fazer amor, onde o frio os torna inseparáveis e a doçura da pele se torna salgada e sarapintada pela música das Ondas.

Pai Mar, um dia voltarei a mergulhar nas tuas profundezas e sentirei toda a paz que não sou capaz de sentir cá em cima, onde a tua amante Areia é promiscua e cheia de malícia.

All over again

Honestly...I don't know what else to do...

I'm tired, exhausted, dead...when I thought that everything was starting to get right, it comes a day and everything gets back to where it was...

Yes, I'm the dumb one, it's my fault...

I just want to sleep for years, forget who I am, who I was...

I want to stop being, to stop feeling...there is nothing that I do that isn't seen as bad thing, as a bad action, as bad!

I'm done, done with everything, done fighting, done trying to smile, done controling tears and feelings, done with me!

Everything that I do, every minute I try being happy, it's not full...I feel guilty for trying to be happy.

I feel breathless, just...lost, all over again...

If I care it's because I care but my intentions aren't pure, if I don't care, then I'm an idiot...I seriously don't understand! I'm giving the time it was asked but somehow it's my fault ot saying a thing!

I'm tired, exhausted, it's always the same thing all over again and I feel dumb, an idiot, stupid as hell...

I'm tired feeling like this, I want to disapear and come back as a new person, with no viciouse demons, with no sorrow or sadness or regret!

I just...nothing...

Head, Heart, Expectation and Action

Heart: I want to be with him...

Head: What are you? An idiot?

Heart: No...I just want to be able to tell him I want to be with him, hold him, kiss him, who knows?

Head: I do! Stay quiet in your corner as always!

Action: Why won't you send him a message?

Heart: Good idea!

Head: Terrible idea!

Action: Message sent...

Expectation: I'm so high!

Action: Message recieved "You are an idiot! I don't care about you, I never did and I never will!"

Heart: Why am I so stupid?! I should've never tell you to send it, Action...

Head: It's confirmed, you ARE an idiot! What have I told you?

Heart: To not send the message...

Head: And to you, Action?

Action: To not listen to Heart...

Head: Expectation?...

Expectation: To keep it low...

Head: So why all of you idiots keep doing what Heart tells you to do? Haven't the girl suffered enough already?

Heart, Action and Expectaion: Yes...

Head: So why???

Heart: Because I have faith...

Head: You know that's stupid! You should listen to me when I tell you to be rational! Do you like being hurted?

Heart: No...

Expectation: Heart, why do you keep ignoring what Head tells you?! I'll leave this conversation...I'm reduced to nothing...

Action: I'll just keep wating for the strongest of the two of you who stay to give me the order...Expectation, you are free and wellcome to come back anytime you want!

Luto

Hoje, a tua ausência magoa-me...

Tento não pensar muito em ti, porque fazê-lo é arrancar memórias do meu pequeno baú, memórias de quando fui uma menina feliz e brincalhona, de alma saudável e de olhos cor de mar...

Os meus olhos abandonaram a cor do mar e tomaram a cor da chuva desde que partiste...

Dizem-me que, passados tantos anos, não fiz ainda o luto da tua partida e que isso não é normal...Normal? Deixar-te? Não, nunca! Desde o dia em que o teu corpo deu o último sopro que és o meu anjo da guarda, aquele a quem a avó me ensinou a rezar quando era pequenina.

Por estranho que pareça, nunca esqueci o teu cheiro, o teu colo, a tua pele queimada pelo sol...mas esqueci-me da tua voz, do teu sorriso...e eu não quero perder a tua memória, a minha infância...Querem obrigar-me a fazer luto de quem me educou, de quem me amou e partiu e que deixou nada mais do que um buraco negro na minha alma...

O meu coração tornou-se negro, o teu sorriso desvaneceu-se e a tua voz silenciou-se. Sinto a tua presença à minha volta quando te chamo, quando acordo lavada em lágrimas depois de sonhar que te abraço e que não te quero largar...O sonho é sempre o mesmo e tu, apaziguador, dizes que nunca me deixaste e que nunca me deixarás.

Tento não pensar muito em ti, mas a tua morte foi algo tão chocante que me marcou e não me quero esquecer de ti, não me quero desprender das tardes no quintal, dos assobios, do orgulho espelhado no teu rosto quando passeavas comigo e dizias sorridente "Esta é a minha neta!".

Tenho saudades tuas avô...tantas...

Quem é bom e puro, parte cedo demais, deixando para trás apenas memórias que, de tão felizes que foram, magoam relembrar. Magoa pensar que se foi tão feliz e que se andava de cabeça erguida, com uma gargalhada no coração...

A vida prega-nos partidas, e a tua partida foi a maior delas todas...

Tenho saudades tuas.

Shhhh

Shhhh!

There's a secret deep within this heart, 

A secret that these lips won't break

So soft, so quiet

So loud and insane...

The moon knows it

And so does the sea

The only one who doesn't

It's you even when you look at me

The howl in my chest,

The wolves are awaiting

The moon is theire Mistress

She is theire awakening

The sea revolves in shadows

Of blood, defeat and war

My devils keep me safe

Of all the things that I don't want

This secret is like a child

Pure, simple and small

The more the time passes,

The more it grows strong

Tonight I'll lock it in

I'll dig a hole where it won't make a sound

Someday "I'll hunt for you with bloody feet

Across the hollow'd ground "

Howl

Florence + The Machine - Howl


If you could only see the beast you've made of me
I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free
Screaming in the dark, I howl when we're apart
drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart

My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to howl
My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to

Howl, howl
Howl, howl

Now there's no holding back, I'm making to attack
My blood is singing with your voice, I want to pour it out
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloody feet across the hallow'd ground

like some child possessed, the beast howls in my veins
I want to find you tear out all your tenderness

And howl, howl
Howl, howl

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them to hunters
Hunters, hunters, hunters
Hunters, hunters, hunters

The fabric of your flesh, pure as a wedding dress
Until I wrap myself inside your arms I cannot rest
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hallow'd ground

And howl

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them to hunters
A man who's pure of heart and says his prayers by night
May still become a wolf when the autumn moon is bright

If you could only see the beast you've made of me
I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloody feet across the hallow'd ground