Is the fight done?

I'm in a crossroad...should I keep fighting?...

I want to die

I want to die...I mean, the part of me that was alive just died, so what's the point in keep living in this disgusting body?
"You only know what's important to you when you loose it" and it's so fucking true...
I hate who I am, you I've become. I hurted the one I love the most again and now it's done, she doesn't want anything else with me again...I lost a friend, a lover, my everything...
I just want to die...now that I'm alone, what's the point in living? I'm broke, I'm a piece of shit and all I know is how to hurt people I love...my mother hates me because I am a terrible daughter, my family has no hope in me, I have no real friends I can trust or that can be called "friends"...so I am alone and with nothing to live for...
This pain in my head, in my heart is so strong, so...it's eating me alive and I just want to die at once! I can't even put it in words...I just want it all to end for good! Nobody would miss me, not even her, because she hates me with all of her strenghts...I love her but she has all the right to hate me after what I've done...so even her wouldn't miss me. My parents woud see it as bless, my "friends" wouln't even notice and she...well, like she said, she would hate me even more and forget me...so if I am not important to anyone, not even to the person who I care the most and i didn't knew how to treasure...what's the point in living? I am nobody to everyone, I'm disapointed with my life choices and there's no turning back.
I don't want to be who I am, I've tried to change but it's now proved that I can't, so what's the point in living like the monster I am? I already lost who was important to me...one of them died and the other one I hurted so bad that all she want's to do is to forget me and erase me from her heart!
I don't want to keep living in here, in this body, with myself, with my head!

I'M DISGUSTING!!!

Alone

Every day, i feel more and more alone, isolated from the world.
The shell that once had break down, today, is building itself again...
Is it too much to ask, just a tiny bit of happiness?...

Done

I'm so tired of everything...exhausted, dead!!! In every single way!
I want to disapear from here, get lost, be locked up so I don't hurt anyone and nobody hurts me!!!
Just kill me at once, would ypu please??
I don't even know what to write to express my frustration, I'm tired of crying, but yet, it's all I can do.
I used to think that I was a wall, tall and rigid, that nothing would pass me by and that I could control my emotions like no one did! I was so fucking wrong...
I just want to die, because living like this it's not life!
I try to make the best to everyone and all I get in the end is this, this feeling that eats me alive, that fisicaly keeps me from breathing right!
I am done, I'm done of all this!!
DONE!!!

Happy B-Day to me...

It's increadible how much you care about people, how much you do to make them happy and to be allways there to them, and when you need them and want them by your side, everyone allways have better things to do and better places to be...
So in that case, tomorrow, in my birthday, it will only be just an ordinary day and all I want is to sleep the entire day so it's over fast...

Permission

I don't allow myself to think about you, but...

Today I miss you...

Mother's Day

I could start this text by saying how great and wonderfull my mother is, how she is the best and everything...
I could, but I wont, because all of that is a lie...
I didnt bought her a gift because today I'm tired of games and schemes to play with my mother, I can't be sweet and smiley when everything I want to do is to cry and sleep forever. Today I can't stand to be a hypocrit.
My father acused me of being a bad daughter...my own father...anyway, I guess people never stop surprising us...
Now I am being acused of being childish, playing victim and pouting...another surprise...
I just want to vanish, to get away from here and never look back again.
I just want to cry...
So, happy mother's day.

Suicide Note

Hey...
Im leaving this letter to the part of me who's dying and to you. Yes, you!
I don't even know how to star, what to say.
I am mad, I am really mad, and I believe I have the reasons to be mad, but once again, you turned it to you...I'm never allowed to be mad, because I am trying to be perfect the entire time, trying not to make mistakes but yeah, with my luck, everything turns the other way around, and the more perfect I try to be, the more mistakes I make.
So yeah, I am mad, I am mad at myself for being so stupid, so broken, so naive, so victim as you called me, so...so me.
I never showed you something that I am not, I presented myself to you exactley the way I am: childish, no chance for mending my broken heart, idiot, silly, unhappy and unbeliveably blind.
From now on, I'll stop being that person, I'll kill it, I'll kill me.
I'll be whoever you want me to be, I'll take care of you, I'll be always smiling, I'll feel no pain again, I won't argue about a thing, I'll stop thinking in myself (oh, I forgot this one above, SELFISH, a big, huge one, perhaps the biggest of all), I will sleep like an angel every single night and wake up with the most beautiful smile upon my face every single morning; I won't ever get exhausted again, I'll study every day, work on the weekends, call you at night to make you sleep like the little angel you are.
Do I sound ironic? Because I'm not being ironic, I really mean what I am saying!!!
No more dark side for me, no more tears, no more nothing...
Goodbye darkness my old friend...
Sounding too victim? How can I make it stop??
Gosh, I'm going mental...I WANT TO DIE!
So goodbye, and please, please never forget that, dark or bright side, I will, and do, Love you forever and ever, until not even a memory of me is left in this world.

Goodbye
I love you

Tottaly Random

I look myself in the mirror...I hadn't realized that I was so pale, circles so dark and deep around my blue eyes, making them even more dramatic than they already are...
Sudently I feel like a 40 years old woman trapped in a 20 years old body. Vital, fresh, soft white skin, rose cheeks...Inside a weight that is trying to put me to ground, it's even hard to breath, I just want to go away, to sleep for days and only wake up when everything has gone away.
I feel like an idiot...well, I am an idiot, I just have been fooling myself all of this time (you idiot girl...)
I don't know what to think anymore, I don't even know if I want to cry, afraid of looking even more pathetic...
I need vacations of myself, I need another body and specially another mind and soul...
I need...well, I don't know what I need.

What a Fool!

Wow...I really made a fool of myself...!

From Dreams...to Reality

I just wished...well, bad way to start something, let me refrase.

My world seems to be falling down. I just wished that everything was as simple as it was when I was a kid.
I can't wait to get out of this place, the more time i spend here, the more suffocated I feel, i fear that someday the air will actually end...
Melodramas aside, i just wished to get out of here, of this family who thinks it's so perfect and united but that it's everything but that, where a mother is always pissed and thinking about her own problems, a sister who is too childish, spoiled and sneaky and a father who thinks the world is pink and that everybody has to love each other and apolagize.

I am done with that mask of the perfect family...I hate being here, I want to run away, forget everything and star over again, new people, new house, fresh and clean mind, no troubles at all...I want...forget it...dreams are for silly people.

I already dreamed too much...for a 20 years old woman, I am pretty silly and naive...dreams are for who can actually make theire dreams come true...I have to learn to limit myself to live with what I have, with my disfunctional family, my corrupt class at college, my memories of stupid silly dreams, my messy room that I hate just looking. I'll never have the perfect house by the sea in a Greek island, I'll never have the dog, the husband who loves to play the drums, the twins, the world trips...I'll have a miserable job at some prison doing phsycological tests to murderes and drug dealers (this is, if I get a job, the way things are...) and with my luck, I'll keep living in this hatefull town until I die...I'll keep being dark, proud, misunderstood, stubourn, impossible to my family, fearfull to my friends and with an emty life...yeah...sounds preety good...

At least there is still one special person in this world who I love and who loves me back.

A Matter Of Time

I'm better than I was yesterday and way worst than I will be tomorrow...

Closure

Dear D.H,

A year is a long time...at least to realize a few simple things that I should had realized since the begining, starting with the fact that I couldn't had fell for you. A beautiful smile was all it took, a glance of the passion for your art came next, then the eyes, the hair, the mind, the voice, the dreams... I fell in love, dreamed with you, kissed you, promissed you...but then I realized. I realized like if a bulb had lighted up in the darkest of the rooms: we belong to different worlds. You have the luxury, the women, the parties, the money, the world at your feet... Me? I'm just...well, me! Since the minute I saw you, i thought to myself "That boy will bring me some trouble!" And damn, was I right?! Stop haunting me, stop making me love you! I have a life that I'm learning to live and adapt, I have people that love me, that I could retribute with so much more of me, but I can't, I can't because the piece of my heart you took is dead and dry, only being wet by tears and haunted by nightmares. Hopefully, I'll get some closure from loving you...hopefully...

Ausência

Peço imensa desculpa aos meus leitores por esta auência prolongada, com o primeiro ano de faculdade pela frente, a época de exames e fora outros problemas pessoais, não tenho tido muito tempo nem paciência para escrever, mas espero que daqui em diante comece a vir aqui com mais frequência.

Obrigada por passarem por cá e mais uma vez desculpem a ausência

Catarina